Skip to main content

A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming Lebanese

OUR MAN IN BEIRUT: Ladies and gentlemen, following this exclusive online guide is a sure-fire way to be mistaken for a Lebanese.

The driver's seat must be in an uncomfortable and impractical reclined position at all times. No more than one hands shall be on the wheel at any time. The other hand should be on the window frame. Alternatively it may be located on the gear-shift or your girlfriend's leg. Profuse use of horn is encouraged. Religious symbols are to be attached to dashboard at will.

Shirts are never to be tucked in. A minimum of three buttons must be undone to reveal chest hair and optional gold medallion. Brand names are to be exposed on every visible area of clothing.

Ownership of mobile phones released more than two months ago are a big no-no. Be sure to keep your phone visible at all times. Keep it in your hand and place it on the table during diner or coffee. Fiddle around with the menu at all times, to seem like you are always being pursued by serial text-messages.

The point of dining is not to eat. It is to see and be seen. Make no mistake. Talk loudly. Throw evil looks at neighboring tables, whether you know them or not. Laugh audibly, just so everyone knows you're having more fun than them.

You must pull up at the door in a shiny new car. Whether it's yours is inconsequential. Call bouncer 'habibi' a couple of times, and crack lame joke whilst tapping him on shoulder. Demonstrate rudeness to staff. Act like you own the place. Order recklessly, and cry later. Shake fist in the air as substitute for actual dancing. Push that guy who dared look at your girlfriend. Drunk drive to the nearest Zaatar w Zeit, get in a fight with someone over a parking space. Order food.

Again, the purpose of the cinema is not a love of film. It is to waste two hours of time, and annoy a great deal of people simultaneously. Have loudly whispered conversations on your phone or with friends during parts of the film integral to the plot. Laugh in all the wrong places. Make inappropriate comments during tense scenes.

Arabic is not the official language of Lebanon, so forget what you've been told. You will need to master the original language that is frenglishabic. Use at least three languages in every conversation, introducing the ones you master the least only for greetings and partings (hola, ciao, etc…)

What-now!? HAHAHAHA!!!


Choose one of the leaders. Adore them. Place their pictures on your car, balcony and other visible areas that may come under your ownership. Follow them blindly, regardless of how racist, irrational and frightening they all are.

University is not a place to learn. It is a vast social club, where one must adorn one's entire wardrobe on a daily basis to attract potential mates. Class attendance is inversely proportional to the amount of sunshine on any particular day. Be just as flashy on campus as you would be in a club. Try to get your degree before failing every course four times.

Spend money you don't have, to buy things you don't need, to impress people you don't like.

Ahla, bienvenue to our world habibi!


  1. I LOVE THIS LIST! Every point is extremely true. Well done! Frenglishabic hehe I love that term :D

  2. mmm i read the exact same article on "our man in beirut" blog. and the writer of this blog is actually the author of this text. i'm sure u didn't mean to publish it without it's genuine source, so here it is:
    oh and thumbs up! ur blog is really nice :)

  3. Thanks for the tip, I had (by anonymous) at the bottom but now I linked to the original post :

    I'm glad you like the blog :)


Post a Comment